Once upon a time, /ong, /ong ago in the kingdom of Anwyn...
...there /ived a Prince Charming, to some.
Persona//y, I a/ways found him to be a bit, sha// we say, pushy.
A//ow me to introduce myse/f, Rodney of Tudor, wizard...
...a/though temporari/y manservant to the prince...
...a position that wi// end when the prince marries on the morrow.
That having been said, our story begins.
And if any man has just...
...cause why those two young lovelies should not be wedded...
...speak now, or forever hold your whatever.
Very well. The bride is yours.
Hail to the prince.
And now, fairest bride, to our nuptial chamber and eternal bliss.
Let us hope your own bride will be more willing.
Though less cloven of hoof.
-Well said, squire, well said. -Save me, John. l am put upon.
-How many damsels have you saved? -And bedded?
l keep no count. Only memories sweet as rum pudding.
Yes, well, perhaps we best call it a night, sire? Your nuptials do approach.
There will be no talk of tomorrow while this day still has newness in it.
Sire! Sire! Sire! Sire, your father, the king, approaches.
Good Lord, man, you have a peasant's timing.
Don't worry, sire, my wizardry shall make her vanish with a single snap of my fingers.
So sorry, sire. Magic is an inexact science. Oh, here we are.
Flingo.
Take her down the back stairs.
-John. -Your Majesty.
What's this?
My layabout son wenching past the cock's crow on his wedding day?
Come now, Father. Even a condemned man is entitled to a final meal.
And condemned you shall be...
...if this aging king can take the measure of you.
'Tis a fine thing you do. Your marriage to the Princess of Lothian...
...will end three centuries of war.
So l'm to be married, and for what?
Can anyone remember the cause of this damnable war?
Something about tulips, wasn't it?
And for that war, all hope of true love ended?
You lie with milkmaids, and yet speak of true love? No.
My marriage to your mother was arranged. And l too bemoaned my fate.
Yet as the years passed, l grew to love her, as you will the Princess Gwendolyn.
Who for all we know has but one eye in the middle of her head.
You're thrusting in the wrong places. 'Tis time you learned when to use your sword...
...and when not to.
Here, here.
'Tis so unfair, Rodney. l am a prince, yet my lowliest subject has more freedom.
ln different ways, sire, we all bear the curse of obligation.
You call serving me a curse? l should have your head.
Apologies. For the single moon remaining in my service, l shall hold my knavish tongue.
-ls it seven years already? -To the full moon next, yes, sire.
l suppose you still plan to squander your freedom to pursue wizardry?
lt's mine own obligation. As you know, sire, l come from--
A long line of wizards. Yes, l know. But you have no talent for it.
lf you had any sense at all, you would draft a new agreement at once.
l will even raise your pay. Come, you must admit, life with me has never been dull.
A tempting offer, sire. But l should like to make mine own excitement...
...and have, shall we say, less of yours.
-You shall die of boredom. -Yes, well....
There. The garden in which we are to be married, just as l dreamed.
The Lothian princess wedded to the Prince of Anwyn?
-lt was a nightmare. -Our marriage shall end this petty war...
-...and restore peace to our kingdoms. -lt wasn't petty.
And victory was ours more often than not.
Yes, but the victory l seek, Mother, is one of the heart.
-A marriage of faithful souls. -Such a victory you shall not have...
...for it exists not.
lt will, Mother.
One day it will.
My prince arrives. Oh, Mother, he is exactly as l imagined him.
And just as l imagined him as well.
He is my one true love. My heart fairly speaks it.
Then your heart speaks gibberish.
No! Help!
Squire, bring him back. Now!
Excuse me.
Gentlemen! The lady thinks your intentions are not honorable.
My lord, how can l ever repay you?
Dear lady, were it not my wedding day....
My lord. My lord!
-Up you go! -Oh, my! My lord!
Sire. l urge you, withdraw!
-Oh, my lord! -Sire, please!
Sire! Sire!
Why do the bells ring? The hour of the wedding has not arrived.
-l do not know, Your Majesty. -Well, find out!
Hello. You must be wondering about the bell.
Step aside, little man, or we shall smash your skull for the sport of it.
After you.
l beg your pardon--
Your Majesty, we found him fornicating in the bell tower.
John.
Father, an unexpected pleasure.
This scoundrel is your son?
Fair Gwendolyn, if in my weakness, l have offended thee....
How dare you approach my daughter. Seize him!
We shall slaughter every man, woman and child in your kingdom for this insult.
No! There shall be no more war.
-Then make good this grievance. -Take my son, Pius.
Judge him as you will.
You would offer me your only son and heir?
An excellent point, Father.
lf l keep my head, l will, in time, earn the crown.
Hear, hear.
l only ask that his punishment befit his status as a prince.
You have my word. Take them away.
Them? Did he say them?
-Father! -But l have but one moon left in my service.
l hardly know the man. Sire, you meant him, didn't you? You couldn't have meant me.
But l've only met him once, and even then it was dark!
This tribunal of the great court of Lothian shall now render its verdict.
John of Anwyn, you have been found guilty...
...of breaching your royal promise and defaming the crown of Lothian.
-Quarter them and boil them in oil. -Boil them in oil and then quarter them.
-These are the choices? -Good men, mine are scoundrel's sins.
Surely there are more reasonable punishments.
Be silent!
This talk of quartering and oil disturbeth me greatly.
Finally, a beacon of light in this age of darkness.
Let us stake them out in the sun, cover them with honey...
...and allow beetles to slowly consume their flesh.
Good men, l pray you. Spare my son's life.
Your son has broken the heart of our only daughter.
For this there is but one punishment, a frogging.
-Yes, a frogging! -Frog them!
My royal wizard shall conjure a curse which will cause your son...
...so fair and highborn, to become a most hideous and low frog.
Sire, l know of this frogging. lt is at best a wives' tale.
Excellent. When the sentence cannot be executed, we shall escape during the chaos.
A most creative sentence, Majesty.
The frogging shall commence.
lndeed, sire. Set us hopping at once.
-Sire, sire, the wizard is Whackthazar. -Whack the what?
lt matters not. lf anyone can frog us, Whackthazar is he.
ln the interest of compassion, Her Majesty offers the following conditions:
Once transformed, both prince and squire shall remain as frogs until such time...
...as a fair maiden does kiss this lascivious prince upon the lips.
Should he manage to find such true love...
...the prince must then induce this maiden to marry him...
...before the noon bells ushering in the full moon next.
Remaining faithful to her for the rest of his natural life.
Might l reconsider the quartering and oil?
Silence!
Steady on, lad.
-Good Lord, sire, you're a frog! -And you!
Oh, so am l. Of course. We've been frogged.
Oh, Father.
-Quite cold. -Cold.
-Frighteningly cold. -Who's cold?
Colder than a witch's tit. l hate cold, sire, l really do.
''l know of this frogging, sire. lt is at best a wives' tale.''
l mean, l like that, sire. As if your actions had nothing to do with why we're here!
Calm down. lf we keep our wits, we will be walking upright before the full moon next.
Sorry, Your Highness.
Lightning! l don't like lightning. lt frightens me.
Freezing.
l remember my eleventh birthday, sire. The children came in wearing false faces.
When they went, ''Surprise,'' and took them off, l didn't know them.
They were at the wrong party. That happened at 1 1 .
When l was 1 2, it was a different event--
Rodney, look. A comely lass just begging to be kissed.
With that kiss the spell will be broken.
Quickly, sire. Off you go.
-l'm off. -Thrust!
l'm coming, fair maiden. l'm coming, fair maiden.
-Closer. Closer. -Leap, sire.
Back leg thrust. Very good.
-l've got her. -One big one now.
Damn, missed again.
That is three full moons, sire, come and gone. But who's counting?
When l wish to know the calendar, l shall ask you.
Trust me, Rodney, a maiden will be kissing me before the next full moon.
And here, the castle where the Duke of Lothian romanced his duchess...
...with tales of fiery dragons and wizards.
Come on, everyone, we're going into the castle.
Oh, sire, a visitor.
Hello, might you have a sister interested in kissing a frog prince?
-Sire, wake up! -Got you.
-Leonard, let's go, honey. -What is--?!
-What's it all about? -Scoundrel, put us back.
-We've got to catch up with the tour. -Sure, Mom.
We're going into the castle. Watch out for the knight.
-lsn't he wonderful? -Come on.
-lt's open, sire. -Good work.
This is our chance. We must get out of this monster's grasp.
-Look out! Devil boy. -Quick, head for the window. Jump.
Jump, quick.
-What is this kingdom of towers? -Good King Leo! We've landed in hell.
Rodney, look out.
-Sire, a forest. Quickly. -Right, okay.
-Rodney! -Come, sire.
-Stuck. -Sire? Sire?
Stuck.
Pull! Pull with all your might, sire!
Rodney, look out.
-Sire? Slipping! -l can't get free from this.
Pull, Your Highness, pull!
Oh, thank heavens. Thank-- No, no. Whoa, horse! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa, Ollie. Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, easy, boy. Easy, easy, easy.
All right, easy. lt's all right, boy. lt's all right.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
You poor little thing.
-You're a long way from home, aren't you? -Yes, l am. Kiss me.
-Yo, princess! -What?
Princess?
-You wanna move sometime this century? -Go around. Give me a break, will you?
Hey, Ollie, you stay here, okay? Okay.
-Hey! -Yes, hey!
Hey, yourself!
-Where are you taking him? -l want you to kiss me so much.
Don't you worry, little fella.
No one's gonna hurt you while Kate Russell's around.
Princess Kate.
-There you go. -No! No, no, no. No, don't put me down.
-Pick me back up. -Home again. Safe, huh?
What a fine little frog you are.
-Say cheese. -Cheese?
No, wait. Princess Kate. No, don't go. Wait.
l told you l'd be right back, buddy.
-Oh, so near. -And yet, so far.
Come on, boy.
l feel renewed, Rodney.
We've been in this magical city for an hour. l came within an inch of breaking the spell.
-We will be men before the morrow. -''Men before the morrow.''
With all due respect, sire, l despise your optimism.
l loathe this amphibian existence. l don't even like the color green.
-l never-- -Rodney, are you all right?
Yes, l'm fine.
This smells familiar. Nothing like a bit of port to cheer a man up.
ls it good port?
-l feel much better, sire. -As do l.
l can even see the beauty of this strange and wondrous place.
Now you mark my words, Rodney, we shall not be frogs for long.
-Sire, l feel a jig coming over me. -Good! Well, dance, lad, dance.
-Dare l? l shall. l truly shall. -Go on, give us a step.
Look at you move, you whirling dervish.
That's it, keep your back straight. Get those legs up.
Come on, you've got more spring than that. Mind your step.
-l'm having fun. -Rodney? Rodney!
Frog overboard. That was a fine jig up to that point, Rodney.
Hello, what's this?
Margo, get back in the car. lt's freezing out here.
Where are you going now? Petal!
l think l'm going to have a closer look.
-Can't you see you're missing the point? -Am l?
''lt does require a certain leap of faith to believe Margo Stockard a teenager.''
The reviewer is blind.
Not so blind he had any trouble seeing that--
That ambitious protege of yours.
l can't believe you feel threatened by wee Camille.
Of course l don't. But:
''A promising ingenue''? Give me a break.
She doesn't have the chops to play Juliet.
-Does she? -You are my Juliet. There's no other.
-Oh, Margo, you're my queen. -Your Highness, did you hear that?
-Queen Margo. Sire, she's one of us. -At least Romeo married his Juliet.
And look where that got them.
l thought we agreed. Marriage is for the little people.
lt's a silly piece of paper. You and l live in a passionate dream...
-...bonded by desire. -So it's not that l'm so hideous and old?
Of course not.
-She will certainly fit the bill. -Make your move, sire.
-Would you still love me if l were? -Margo.
Look, it's a sign.
l would still love you if you were as ugly as this toad.
-l beg your pardon? -Warts and all.
-What warts? -Could you kiss it?
-No! No, no, no. No, not you. No. -Kiss it?
-Back off. Back off. No. -No. No. Don't!
l can't look. lt's too frightening.
You see?
You can't bring yourself to kiss this hideous frog, but l can.
Yes, yes, of course you can.
''My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep.
The more l give thee, the more l have.
For both are infinite.''
Kiss me.
Yes!
Oh, petal.
Sire, the deed is done.
Let's go to the party. Two or three shots of Lagavulin will work wonders for you.
Can it be?
Rodney.
Our hopes have been answered.
Rodney?
Rodney.
Sire.
The maiden!
-Wait, please! Wait! -Fair maiden!
-Sire, my legs aren't functioning. -Come on! Come on.
-Fair maiden! Maiden! -Please, slow down!
By my calculation, sire, the waxing moon gives us but five days...
...to find this maiden, Margo, and induce her to marry you.
'Twill be a task, sire.
lf l have but five days, then five days it shall be.
lt's not as if l am without considerable skill in these matters.
Yes, but if you'll excuse me for saying so, sire...
...if my skill as a wizard is a bit, shall we say, rusty...
...so indeed, might yours be.
You never had any skills as a wizard.
Well, at least what l lack in skill l make up with enthusiasm.
Forgive me.
Perhaps if we had a plan.
A plan, yes.
-Tomorrow, we'll go and find Princess Kate. -With the horse and carriage.
Yes, we will enlist her aid, search the forest.
For she's the only one to show us any human kindness in this kingdom.
-Oh, well done. -She will help us find Margo. l'm sure of it.
lt's too quiet. l cannot sleep.
l said, l cannot sleep.
Sire, there is such a thing as dignity.
Would you prefer a royal command?
Hey!
You wanna keep it down in there?
l'm dreadfully sorry. Yes.
Off you go. Fun singing.
l think we've been traveling in circles.
-This place looks familiar. -Yes.
-Try over there. -This indeed must be the place.
-There, sire! Look. -Yes!
Look.
-Good princess. -Do l really look like a princess to you?
Yes. lndeed, sire. lt is she.
Well, l'm not. So why don't you two just move on down the line...
-...until you find that princess, okay? -Are you not Kate?
-Do we know each other? -For a moment, l thought we might've met.
No, l think that l would remember you two.
You obviously have me confused with someone else, okay?
Miss Kate, we desire your assistance in finding someone.
We require your horse and carriage to convey us.
-Let me guess. East Village? Right? -Village-- No. The forest.
-Oh, right, Central Forest. Right. Okay. -May l present His Royal Highness--
John, Crown Prince of Anwyn.
Protector of the realm, defender of the faith.
Yes. Well, l'm charmed, l'm sure, really. But l'm about to go off duty.
-We would pay you handsomely. -For your troubles.
-All right. lt's 55 bucks an hour. Hop in. -Bucks?
Gold will suffice.
My prince and l are charged on a quest. A mission of the greatest urgency.
Wait a minute. ls this one of those things...
...where you get dressed up and then you go looking for clues...
...and those clues lead you to other clues, and you get this big prize at the end?
What is it? A scavenger hunt. ls that what this is?
l once was something of a hunter, but now the only prize l seek is a maiden.
-She's ample endowed, and fair of face. -We seek a maiden to marry.
-One maiden for the both of you, huh? -Yes.
Well, in marrying me, she will save us both.
l think that might be more than l needed to know, boys.
Hey, l'm sorry we couldn't find what's-her-name.
-Margo. -Right.
Look, l gotta call it a night. So can l drop you someplace?
-Perhaps the nearest castle? -Oh, man.
You two are really a piece of work. You know that?
Nearest castle it is.
Come on.
All right, you wanted a castle, there's your castle.
How can we thank you for your kindness?
Well, you can start by paying me 375 bucks.
-Of course. Rodney-- -Hey, stop that guy! Help me!
Help me! He took my bike. Help me.
Damsel in distress. One gets rather used to it, actually.
Hey, that guy just took that lady's bike.
Stolen bicycle. Turtle Pond at Belvedere Castle.
-Suspect heading west. -Copy that.
Aren't you gonna do something?
Nice work, buddy.
-What are you? Robin Hood or something? -John, Prince of Anwyn.
John Prince. How can l ever repay you?
Seeing the thief caught is enough.
To the castle. Come.
Well, it has been a real adventure.
-Until tomorrow. -You wanna do this again?
Yes, well, we must keep our sights on fair Margo, mustn't we, sire?
Okay. Tomorrow.
Hey! Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
-My money. -Rodney.
Oh! Yes, my lord.
Well done.
-What is this? -Coin of the realm.
-A gold crown of eight. -Right. This is gold.
-And he's Prince Charming. -Thank you.
No, no. Wait a minute. l'm serious. You guys owe me 375 dollars.
But the coin bears His Highness' own likeness.
Well, l prefer the likeness of somebody that l've heard of before today.
l don't know what you're trying to pull...
...but l have been playing along with this royal routine of yours all day long.
You know, your weird outfits and your phony accents. Especially yours.
But come on, ''coin of the realm''?! lt's a little over the top.
Miss Kate, l assure you, we are in earnest. The coin is real.
Fine. All right, tell you what l'm gonna do.
Because l am a nice person, and l do believe in giving everyone one chance.
l'm gonna go find out if this is real.
But if you guys are trying to screw me over, l know where to find you. All right?
We will be here. One chance is all l desire.
Right. Okay. Fine.
Thank you. Here. Okay.
Come.
-There is the small matter of entry, sire. -Nonsense.
Come, Rodney.
With all due respect, sire. l shall scale it with my magic.
Carpe diem. Quid pro quo. Rise up Rodney.
Ready set go.
-Rodney? -What's that, sire?
-l was just gathering a few things to aid us. -l was only musing on our fair maiden.
-She is fair, is she not? -Oh, yes, sire. Very fair and very ripe.
lndeed, as soon as we find her, you shall pluck her from the vine.
No, l was speaking of Kate.
Oh, you mustn't pluck her, sire. Think only of Margo, whom you must pluck at once.
Pluck and marry. Or marry and then pluck. Depending on....
Well, then. l've tried to make do with what l could find.
But l believe these things will help in our search.
Twig of tamarack.
Root of oak.
Skin of snake.
Flick of flame.
What is it telling us?
Telling us:
Weather might be a tad dicey tomorrow, sire.
Yes. And?
Good news awaits you.
-What else? -What else?
You have a winning personality.
-Yes, but, Rodney, what else? -What else?
Yes, what else does it tell us?
Well, the only thing l can tell you for any certainty, sire...
...is that we have but four days left before the noon bells ring.
Yes.
-ls it worth anything? -l've never seen anything like it.
Where is Anwyn, anyway?
l was hoping you'd tell me that.
-lt's not on any map l've ever seen. -So it's a fake?
Well, it might be gold.
Really? How much would it be worth if it was gold?
You got me. Maybe 50, 1 00 bucks? But you'd have to check it out at a coin shop.
All right, thank you.
Hey!
-Fair Kate. -Oh, don't ''fair Kate'' me.
Can you not hear? The birds have ceased their song...
...for fear they cannot compete with the sweet sound of your voice.
Can you not hear?
The banks have ceased to give real money in return for this...
...for fear that it is worthless.
-Worthless? -Snakes!
The glimmering gold of that coin is as real as the shimmering brown of your hair.
Yeah, well, maybe it's gold.
You two are gonna come with me now so l can find out how much it's worth.
And l am not letting you out of my sight until l am paid in full.
Very well. Do not release me from your sight.
Sire! A damsel in distress!
Strike me, spurn me, you kill me.
-lt is our maiden. -l pray, you gentlemen, let her not hurt me!
-Truly it is she. -Yes. Set upon by villains.
-There is our fair Margo! -But she hath chide me hence...
...and threatened me.
You're actors. This is a prop, isn't it?
Unbelievable-- Hey! Hey!
You see, the audience needs to feel Helena's fear...
...otherwise it's just ''blah, blah, blah'' to them. You see, Camille? Come.
To strike me, spurn me....
l believe that's what Shakespeare had in mind.
l knew you'd been around a long time, Margo...
...but l had no idea you knew him personally.
Hamish put you up to this. l was just giving her a few friendly tips.
Dear lady, you see before you a man cursed by fate.
Cast under a spell which only you can break.
-Really? Are you completely mad? -Everybody calm down, now!
-Calm down. -l'm perfectly calm, Hamish.
-Let her go. -This magnificent creature...
...holds my very soul captive. Never! But l shall fight you for the right to love her.
-Shall l call security? -No, no, no. This is too good.
lt's only fair to warn you, l saw High/ander four times.
Really? Well, l once dispatched four Highlanders in a single afternoon.
Men like you fail to realize swordsmanship is about balance.
-Keep your own and upset your opponent's. -Good one, sire.
-Do you believe this guy? -No. Who is he?
My master, Prince John. Greatest sword fighter in all of Anwyn.
The sword should never be gripped too tightly, but caressed...
...like a lover's hand. Move the action back.
-He's so dashing. -Very. But best not to tell him.
You've no idea how difficult it is to work for someone so self-absorbed.
As a matter of fact, l do.
And force the action.
Rodney of Tudor.
Serena of Brooklyn.
Spe//s and Curses.
And then parry, thrust, parry, thrust!
The coup de grace. Questions?
-Bravo. -Who the hell are you anyway?
-Well done, sire. -Darling, are you all right?
-Of course l'm all right. -Now why don't you tell us who you are?
-John, Prince of Anwyn. -Yeah, John, prince of actors.
An actor. Oh, Hamish, he's marvelous.
His energy, his timing. You ought to read him for a part.
-A part? -A part?
-He happens to owe me a lot of money. -He needs work desperately.
Oh, do. Let's give him a part.
An understudy for a fairy. Rodney, l hardly think this befits my status.
-Well, l mean l did the best l could, sire. -Oh, God. An actor with entitlement issues.
This Peaseblossom, there is hardly a line at all...
...and no sword fighting whatsoever.
You don't get to say any lines unless the fairy gets sick.
-Or dies. -A little overambitious, are we?
No, but he is right. He is. We must indeed be near our Margo or the plan will fail.
l don't even wanna know. l just want my money.
Rodney, can you not work some of your magic...
-...to get me a better part by this evening? -l thought you didn't trust my magic, sire.
-What choice do l have? -l will not fail you.
Okay, let's go.
-What? Are you not coming in? -No, l must sit here and learn my lines.
But, sire, l know not yet which part will be yours.
l have a taste for Oberon, king of the fairies.
l will learn all the lines, just in case.
-ls he for real? -Oh, do not doubt him.
-Very rare. Very rare, indeed. -So then it is gold?
lt's far more than that.
lt's a 1 5th century crown of eight. l've never even seen one.
And l don't know anyone who ever has.
This particular coin was only briefly minted in a kingdom called Anwyn.
Why only briefly?
According to this, the entire kingdom was destroyed in something...
-...called ''The War of the Tulips.'' -All of Anwyn?
Well, it says here, ''The neighboring kingdom of Lothian...
...beheaded Anwyn's King Leo, thus ending the Anwyn line.''
So this King Leo, he was real?
What? Yes, quite real.
So, what, then is he like John's great- great-great-great-great-great...
-...grandfather or something? -Quite great.
Miss Kate, it is best not to mention this to John.
This will not sit well with him just now.
l shall break the news. ln time.
-All right, $5625 is your change. -Oh, no. That's for you.
That would be like hiring me for a couple of weeks, with money to spare.
-Consider it done. -Well, can l at least take you out?
You know, l don't know, buy you something?
-A square meal would be nice. -One we didn't have to catch ourselves.
All right. And maybe some new clothes?
This is screaming your name. Orange is hot, baby, hot.
Oh, everybody's gotta have a vest.
-l'm feeling this. -Oh, yes.
No, it's, ''Aye me. For aught that l could ever read.''
Read! ''For aught that l could ever read. Could ever hear by tale or history...
...the course of true love never did run smooth.''
l'm with Shakespeare on that one.
Okay, okay. Sorry.
''But either it was different in blood.''
''O hell. To choose love by another's eyes.''
''Or if there were sympathy in choice, war, death or sickness did lay siege to it...
...making it momentary as a sound, swift as a shadow, short as any dream.
As brief as the lightning in the blackened night.
And ere a man hath power to say 'Behold,' the jaws of darkness do devour it up...
...so quick bright things come to confusion.''
Okay. Khakis? l grabbed some of both.
Now are you a pleats or flat-front kind of guy?
Flats.
-You two should get out more often. -We should indeed.
-Look, our serving wench approaches. -Kate, is everything okay?
l was wondering. Might you have a leg of mutton?
-No. -Jugged hare?
-Or roast guinea fowl? -Or capon.
-Peacock! -Peacock!
-Do you have any peacock? -No.
And l don't have any blackbirds baked in a pie either.
No. We're fine. Thank you.
l should've known you'd be meat-and-potato types.
And a tankard of ale. l must say, l am quite fond of being a man.
Well said, sire.
-You guys are too much. -Too much of what?
Too much everything. You know, the way you talk...
...and, you know, the act, whatever it is.
You can't just go around talking about how good it is to be a man.
-You know? -ls it not good to be a man?
Better a man than a frog.
Rodney, do you not think you should be getting back to the theater about my part?
Yes. Of course. Do not tarry, sire.
-Five minutes for all the fairies. -Are we gonna go?
-More. More. Suck it in. Suck it in. -l'm sucking!
-We'll get you a bigger size. -Delivery for Titania, queen of the fairies.
For me?
-Oh, Serena, aren't they lovely? -Pretty. Very pretty.
-Hamish? -Watch out for the thorns.
Oh, honey, they're beautiful.
-Delivery for Helena. -That's me. l'm Helena.
Hamish. They're beautiful.
Thank you. You're the best.
-Put these in water? -Drown them.
With pleasure.
Rodney? For me?
Fair Serena, might l enlist your aid?
l'll be right back! Come over here.
lt's a kind of magic, is it not?
Yeah, l guess l used to think so.
lt just started out as a hobby, actually.
Everyone who rides in a hansom cab wants their picture taken.
So l would send one, and then l would keep one for myself.
l just started writing things down that l remembered.
You know, thinking that l would figure out the magic of love or something.
-And it just turned into this book. -About the magic of love?
No. How about the disappointment of love.
You know, how you'd start out with all these bright hopes and everything.
Okay, look. Like this guy. There he is.
He's saying all the right things to her and she was just looking at him.
Just thinking how unbelievably lucky she was.
-That is a lovely story. -No, it's not.
About a year later, l'm driving this couple around...
...and l'm hearing the exact same lines.
So l turn around and it's the same guy.
He's just with a different girl, that same dopey look on her face.
l just know that none of it's real.
But you know how that feels.
-You can tell? -Yes.
For l broke someone's heart once.
And l can still remember the sadness in her eyes.
lt's a sadness l deeply regret.
Heartbreaker, huh? Yeah, l could've called that one.
Let me get this straight. Unless John marries Margo by Friday...
...the two of you will end up frogs for the rest of your lives?
No. Forever and ever.
l knew there was something special about you the moment l saw you.
Did you really?
That's awfully nice of you to say.
Because l saw immediately there was something special about you.
Like we knew each other in a past life? Were you getting this past life thing?
Well, l'm afraid to say it's been all one long life for me, you know.
-Hopping from here to there. -Hopping. l get it.
Hopping. That's funny. l get that, hopping.
But also slogging through the muck, eating nothing but flies.
What's funny about that? That could get old, right?
-l knew you'd understand. -Of course l do. l understand exactly.
There is this instant connection between us.
Donkey ears, Manny. l'm wearing donkey ears.
l'm a romantic lead. l should be playing Lysander not Bottom.
How are you? Okay, he's the one. Look under M for ''mute.''
l once had this book completely memorized.
Well, up to the C's. Cats, cauldrons, things like that.
-You've read this? -My grandfather wrote it.
-Oh, my-- There he is. -Here we go.
-Yes. -Romu/us, Remus, grant this p/ease
-The tongue within his mouth doth freeze -Get me a TV pilot!
Then l'll remember why l'm paying you--
-He's mute. -Did l do that?
-My-- -Oh, my God!
-Nathan, are you all right? -Are you ill?
-This is Rodney. -Hello. lsn't that a shame.
-Low blood sugar. Really. Good luck tonight. -Let's get his costume off.
Thisbe, the flowers of odious savors sweet.
-Odorous, odorous. -Odorous savors sweet.
-That's not our Bottom. -So hath thy breath.
-Where's our Bottom? -Lost his voice minutes before curtain call.
-Go figure. Thank God we got this guy. -Nobody told me.
You might have been a little busy with Camille.
-Running lines. -Of course you were.
Stay thou but here awhile. And by and by l will to thee appear.
-Well done, sire. -A stunning debut, don't you think?
-Hear the laughter? -They're crazy for you. Absolutely crazy.
Yes, they are. l'm yet to do my love scene where l woo her.
-Sire. -An ass? What wooing will l do in this?
-Did you not read the play? -Only the lines.
-Actors. Trust me, sire. -Kate is here. She will see me.
Sire, if we woo not Margo, we woo in vain.
Mine eye is enthralled by thy shape.
And thy fair virtue's force perforce doth move me...
...on first view to say, to swear, l love thee.
Methinks, mistress, you have little reason for that.
And yet, to say the truth...
...reason and love keep little company together nowadays.
l can gleek upon occasion.
Thou art wise as thou art beautiful.
-Remove this cursed thing. -Yes. lt appears to be stuck, sire.
She approaches.
Fair Margo.
For me? How sweet.
-And again, you are? -Why, lady, l am your very own Bottom.
l like you.
l don't like you at all.
Try bringing your performance down to maybe a deafening roar, young man.
-Do you think l could have a word? -l'm listening.
lt's about your performance.
What--? What about it?
What about it?
But for the ass's head, a most excellent effort. Well done.
-Hi, Kate. -Hi. You were wonderful. l loved it.
-Thank you. -Can l take you out to celebrate?
-Oh, yes. Come. -Good.
-l have that money you gave me. -John.
Congratulations. You made an impression.
Margo wants you to play Mercutio in Romeo and Ju/iet tomorrow.
lt would appear they liked your ass, sire.
-He is not an ass as well, is he? -No, no.
He's handsome. He's a great friend of Romeo's. Big, big part. Big swordsman.
-Scene stealer. -Perfect for you.
Splendid. Well, l shall play it. Come, Kate. We have much to celebrate.
-But there are so many lines to learn, sire. -Yes. John, it's a very big part.
Well, don't stay out late.
All right, all right.
They shouldn't be going off.
Come, sire, your passado.
-Good! And now? -So you fight with Tybalt...
...and then Romeo steps in front...
...and Tybalt takes his sword and he shoves it under Romeo's arm...
-...and into your chest. -l lose?
-Apparently, yes. -Who is this Shakespeare fellow?
First l wear an ass's head, now l lose a sword fight!
-Sire, l implore you-- -Have l ever lost a sword fight in my life?
Of course not. But the play must be done as written. Margo will prefer it so.
l am sure of it.
Worry not, faithful squire. Have l ever let you down?
Shall l ribbit for you, sire?
l thought they were offering me the lead. No.
They want me to play the mother.
And she's not even a district attorney or a drunk or anything interesting.
She's just somebody's boring mother.
Who's about to become a grandmother.
Hamish. How did this happen to me?
l'm playing Juliet. l can't be somebody's grandmother.
Then don't be. Tell them to find somebody else.
Makeup's looking a wee bit heavy, don't you think?
-What is it? -Margo, there's someone here to see you.
Serena, l am just a little preoccupied at the moment.
-l know that. But Rodney is a big fan. -Big fan.
Fine. Fine. What? What is it? What? What?
-Go ahead. Tell her. -Yes. Well, first of all...
...might l say, Miss Stockard, that you look positively enchanting this evening.
-l suppose. -Do you mind?
Do you mind?
-The man's trying to speak. -The man is trying to kiss your--
Hand. He's kissing my hand.
-That's so cute when he does that. -You may continue.
Yes, well, my master, John Anwyn, who's portraying...
...the role of Mercutio this evening...
...would like to draw your attention to his performance in the third act.
He is dedicating his death scene to your dulcet beauty.
My dulcet beauty?
-Who exactly is this John Anwyn? -The understudy.
Oh, aye. Yeah.
-Five minutes, please. -Tell this John of yours...
...he's very kind.
-And now l must prepare. -Thank you so much.
You have four minutes to curtain.
Serena. Tell me the truth.
-ls my makeup too heavy? -No! You look 1 6.
Give or take.
What wouldst thou have of me, Mercutio?
Good king of cats, nothing but one of your nine lives!
-Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up. -Come, sir, your passado!
Gentlemen, for shame! Forbear this outrage!
Tybalt, Mercutio, the prince expressly hath forbid this bandying...
...in the Verona streets!
Hold, Tybalt! Good Mercutio!
He should have fallen. He should be dead!
-Gentle Mercutio, art thou not hurt? -Nary a scratch, good Romeo!
-That's not the way it goes. -So what?
You always gotta know how it's gonna end? Go for it, Mercutio!
My God, he's gonna kill him!
-We'll have to rewrite the next two acts! -Who cares?
'Tis you who shall die this day!
Gentle Mercutio! Thy wound, 'tis...
...wide as a church door.
Then this church has narrow doors indeed, Romeo!
Now stand aside whilst l skewer this rogue for Juliet's sake!
'Tis not worth the bother.
They have made worm's meat of me!
-You think l should go for this guy? -Are you kidding? He's adorable!
-He's so.... -Dashing.
-Exactly. -l know.
-He's not too young? -Too young for what?
He knows everything he needs to.
And what he doesn't know, you can teach him, right?
-What about Hamish though? -Hamish, schmamish.
When's the last time he called you a ''dulcet beauty''?
Am l crazy?
What's crazy? How many chances do you have left?
What do you mean by that?
l'm just saying you gotta be open to opportunities.
Yeah.
l think William Shakespeare is somewhat limited, don't you?
l mean, all this rhyming, sire, it's silly. ''Forsooth, here's my tooth.''
l wouldn't mention that in too many circles, by the way.
John, Margo would like to invite you to her apartment for a late supper this evening.
That's her address.
Thank you. Tell Margo l accept.
Good.
Well, congratulations. This is a big night for you.
Kate.
-l just wanted you to understand that-- -What? What's to understand?
-You're gonna score with the maiden. -You keep score?
-Never met a man who didn't. -Oh, l see what you mean.
So you do keep score, huh?
No! l keep no count!
Only memories, sweet as rum pudding.
Well, knock yourself out. Bye, Rodney.
-Am l late? -Not at all.
Well, what an entrance!
You certainly know how to sweep a girl off her feet.
-To a night of love. -To an eternity of love.
An eternity?
Darling, shouldn't we slow down just a bit? Maybe have a little chitchat.
You can tell me all about you, l can tell you all about me.
Do you not feel time slipping away?
-What do you mean by that? -Only that we should seize the moment.
What the hell! Bedroom's this way.
What? What's the matter?
l don't know. Perhaps l cannot deflower the woman l am pledged to love.
Oh, that's sweet, really, but l've been deflowered before.
Just a few petals here and there.
Fair Margo, take this ring as a symbol of my love.
ls this a joke?
lt is but an overture to a life of wedded bliss.
Wedded bliss. Oh, honey.
Take it from me, l've been married three times. There ain't much bliss.
But l am your prince, and you are my princess.
And our marriage is fated by the stars.
Not by my stars.
And l have them checked...
-...every week. -No. Please, keep the ring.
But don't you see? You and l don't need some silly piece of paper.
You and l are bonded by desire.
So you refuse my troth?
Well, yes.
But it was wonderfully theatrical.
My father beheaded. Anwyn destroyed.
And l am the cause.
-Well, sire, there were the tulips. -l might have changed all of that.
All that was good might have been saved.
On his good soul, Rodney, l pledge to make right my princely transgressions.
To redeem my father's faith in me.
Just one day to pledge eternal love.
Mine to Margo and hers to me.
Coming!
-l tried to call you last night. -Oh, how sweet.
-Five times. -Oh, even sweeter.
l suppose you must've been with that Anwyn fellow?
-We're not jealous, are we? -Of course not!
What you do when we're apart is none of my business.
Good. Then it won't bother you that he's asked me to marry him.
Marry him?! Can't you see he's playing you for a fool!
No. He gave me this ring.
Says he's a prince, and l'm starting to believe him.
The man's a fraud.
Princess Margo. lt does have a certain ring to it.
He's a fraud and l'm gonna prove it. l'll have him tossed from the company.
So glad you're not jealous, darling.
-You proposed to her? -'Tis the only way we will be saved.
For l must marry Margo, otherwise we are doomed!
You know, this is really none of my business.
No, no, l seek your counsel.
Well l just think that maybe you have a few issues.
l have issues?
Yeah. l think that it's obvious that you've got some sort of Prince Charming complex.
You know, can't keep your sword in your pants.
-Can't pass up a damsel in distress. -Well, l like those.
Of course you do. For about half a second...
...as long as you see her as some reflection of your own ego...
...and not as a real person who has real feelings.
Well, perhaps she needed real help.
Look. Not every girl wants to be saved.
What does she want?
True love. You know?
l wish l did.
You know, when you're old and you're wrinkly and you're...
...sitting there gumming your food. And your husband looks at you.
And even though he doesn't see very well anymore...
...he can see in your eyes the whole world.
The future, past, everything that was good and even things that were bad.
And he can still say:
''There is my queen. And what a privilege it has been to love her.''
l believe that that is something that my father felt for my mother.
He tried to tell me so, but l couldn't hear it.
Well, your father was a lucky man.
Not so lucky.
-Then what? -She refused him.
Go figure. She's crazy for Hamish.
And John's crazy for Kate.
Now we gotta play hardball.
Potion.
Sometimes love just needs a little encouragement.
l love this store! Okay, grab some bags.
-Okay. -Let's see, rose petals.
-Rose petals. Are these they? -That's right. That's right. Lavender.
Lavender. Oh, look. l think this is that.
Right there. Lavender.
-Ginseng. Ginseng, ginseng. -Ginseng.
-Oh, yes. -Here it is.
Let's see, a vial of dragon's blood.
-We're not gonna find that here. -No.
Let's go.
-Okay, Rodney, all we need is one. -Yes.
Just one. Right there.
Come on, let's go. Okay, we're doing good. All we need is one more ingredient...
-Frightened. Frightened! -...and then we'll be--
-Death imminent! -Watch out!
Good. Perfect.
Nightmare?
The British government holds title to Anwyn Castle and a small fortune in gold...
-...which only the rightful heir can claim. -A small fortune?
But to lay claim, the heir must produce the Anwyn family ring.
Of course, there've been attempts with fake rings.
So your prince is a complete fake. Just like the ring, an elaborate ruse.
-A ruse for what? -He's a desperate actor, deluded himself...
...into believing being married to Margo Stockard might actually mean something.
lt meant something to my three ex-husbands!
lt certainly did. More alimony than you can afford.
ls it so impossible to believe that someone might actually fall in love with me?
No.
lt happened to me.
Oh, it happened to me too.
Are you sure you won't come over for a little lunchie?
l've got a load of work to do on the script.
Darling, Shakespeare's already done most of the work.
There you are. Ready, petal?
Tell me, Bob, what does the real ring look like?
lf only he were still here to advise me. His counsel was always so wise.
You see, had l only married the Princess of Lothian, the war might have ended.
He might have lived, and in time, l may have earned the crown.
Look, this is all very sweet, the way that you believe all of this. But....
Only a fair likeness, l would say.
Look, l don't know what's going on here...
...and l don't think l want to know because this is too weird--
Kate, l just wanted you to know...
...how deeply l wish my fate were otherwise.
What, the fate where you don't turn into a frog if you marry Margo?
lt's my destiny. lt's my duty.
Look, l wish you the best of luck...
...with this curse thing or whatever. Okay--
Kate. You will find your prince one day.
And when you do, let him love you and cherish you through all of your days.
While l live evermore in envy of his fortune.
No, don't do that. Don't touch me.
Oysters and crawfish, pomegranate pie...
...parsnip mousse, figs stuffed with vanilla bean...
...aspic of love apple gilded with saffron, and my own personal favorite:
Boiled meats!
-Shall l play Mommy? -Maybe not just yet.
Perhaps a love song to stimulate the appetite.
Maybe not that either. l've had a terrible migraine all day.
A martini would be lovely.
-Yes! Two of those, Rodney. -Yes, sire. At once.
Fair Margo, are the boiled meats not to your liking?
No. No, no, no. l'm sure the boiled meats are...
...lovely. lt's really nothing.
lt's nothing at all. l couldn't be happier.
Ipso facto minimus me No /onger /ack/oves sha// they be
-Shaken or stirred? -Why not shaken and stirred?
l like it.
Do you think we should try it first?
lf by some miracle it should work, l shouldn't know the difference.
-For l am under a spell already. -Oh, Rodney. You're so romantic.
Plus l think l'm getting a little high from the fumes.
-l've been wanting to do that for-- -Five hundred years!
My God, that's right!
l think we better get that out there.
Yes. Quickly, quickly. Yes, very good. There we go.
-Wait! -What?
l'm not sure. l'm suddenly feeling somewhat uncertain.
What's wrong?
l mean, l have served him long enough, have l not? Six thousand moons!
-You've served him well. -Yes.
And life with Margo, things could be worse.
Margo's not so bad. Just a little insecure. She just wants somebody to love her.
-Somebody nice like John. -Yes, of course.
But, no, no!
John loves Kate. l don't know, to deny love....
-l mustn't. l couldn't. l shouldn't. -Rodney. You'll be frogs.
Good point.
Drinks, anyone?
Sire! You disappeared.
-lt wasn't so bad being a frog. -Not so bad?
We had a few good times, did we not, Rodney?
-Very few, sire. -But better to be a man.
Oh, much better, sire. And if it would be any help to you at all...
...Miss Serena and l concocted a love potion.
Do you think it would have worked?
Frankly, no, sire. For as you've always said, l'm not much of a wizard.
l was wrong, Rodney. You are a true wizard, indeed.
For you have turned a master into a devoted friend. And that is the greatest magic of all.
-Sire-- -No. Only John from now on.
For my best man is to be a free man.
-Best man? -Yes.
For l did woo Margo and begged her troth.
We are to be married one day's hence before the noon bells of St. Timothy's ring.
And l am to remain a man?
-And be free? -Had l only done it long ago.
Wait, if you are free from my service...
...then are you not free from the curse as well?
-Do you think so, sire? -l don't see why not.
-l'm sure you're right! -You had but one moon left in service.
-And you've served-- -5275 more than that.
-Right. -Just a bit of overtime.
No harm done. For l am free. l am free, sire! John! Prince John. Johnny!
And it is my fate to marry Margo.
Yes.
Do you, Margo, take this man, John, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
To cherish him always, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...
...till death do you part?
l do.
-You don't. -l already did.
-You can't. -She must!
-Do you? -l do not.
-But the noon bells-- -Let them ring!
Sire, are you sure?
Margo, you do not love me. l cannot let you marry me.
At last. Somebody talking sense around here.
Well, l've been married with love and without love.
And it all ends up pretty much the same.
Well, then none of those is the love you deserve, fair Margo.
Nor is mine. For you deserve the love l feel...
...for Kate.
ln whose eyes l gaze and see my own reflection, and see the whole world.
And all that is possible and true.
For when l look upon her, my heart says only:
''There. There is my queen.
And what a privilege it would be to love her.''
For if l must live the rest of my life without her, then l may as well be a frog.
You sweet man.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God.
Poor John.
Oh, shi--
-The man is a moron! Wouldn't listen to me! -Oh, well.
What do you mean, ''Oh, well''? l'm a frog again!
As am l.
Oh, John. Please forgive me for not believing you.
-For being afraid. -Of course l do.
Oh, Margo, l've been such a fool. l love you. l'm the one you should marry.
-But isn't marriage for the little people? -Then let's be little people.
Till we're hideous and old and still mad for each other.
Yeah.
Oh, my!
Funny feeling!
-Were you--? -l was!
lt was your kiss! Your kiss that made a man of me!
No, sire, it was not just the kiss. The answer was in the curse all along!
''Should he find true love'' ! A kiss was never enough.
-True love was our only chance. -Everybody deserves one chance.
-That's what you said. -One chance at true love.
Do all of you take all of you to be your lawfully wedded spouses?
To cherish each other always, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...
...till death do you part?
-l do. -l do.
[ENGLlSH]